Tonight I chose a journal that is dated the year 2006. Looking through this journal I naturally start to think, "How many years ago did I write this?" I flip through the journal pages and it's like I am reading words written by someone else. Some things I do remember, some things I do not. February 3, 2006, I reminded myself it was a new day. I wrote, "All things begin new each and every day." My notes that day were of Judas Iscariot, the Apostle who betrayed Jesus. Judas pretended to be something he was not. I jotted down character flaws that are revealed in scripture. He pretended to be a good steward of the money purse for Jesus and the Apostles. In reading the scripture, he was not always eager to help those in need or those that Jesus instructed him to care for. He sometimes hesitated, questioned Jesus as to the "why?" He appeared to be loyal but as the scripture reveals, he sells Jesus out for a few coins.
I am a loyal person, particularly to those I love, those I consider my friends and those that I work with. Many years ago, I worked closely with the Graduate Director within the Department of Sociology at Louisiana State University. Those were wonderful years for me. The relationships I formed with graduate students over the years have been relationships that have stood the test of time. When I departed Sociology for better opportunities, the one word the students used in describing my work was loyal. Ms. Wanda is loyal, she is committed, she never quits...etc. As I read this clip of my journaling in 2006, I thought of the word loyal in contrast to the word betrayal. Judas's behavior was foreign to me, I didn't see myself as a betrayer. As I read further, I had started this dive into betrayal because I seemed to have fell short concerning a promise I had made to someone I cared about. I did not include the details of this breach on this particular day but it was obvious I was dealing with disappointment in myself. Have you experienced such feelings? Have you ever admitted to yourself that you had betrayed someone's confidence or manipulated circumstances for your own good? I don't do well when I make those type of mistakes. I began to confess my "wrong doing" to my divine power, God. In that year, 2006, I seemed to have been slow to admit my wrong doing. My written words first echoed justification, why I did what I did. That was pretty long winded but somewhere in the explanation I seemed to have taken a turn toward the woman in the mirror. I began to profusely apologize to God for my weaknesses and my inability to remain faithful to my word and to him.
I was 53 years of age in 2006, nineteen years younger than I am today. Tonight I began thinking of what has changed since that moment in time opposed to who I am today. In 2006 I probably still believed I knew a little more about life than I truly did. Why would I say that? I am thinking of all that has happened in my life from that point until now. I knew very little and still had a lot of work to do on me. As I have matured spiritually, I have discovered that dying to self takes time. The new woman arises when the old one dies. For old habits to die you must first recognize those habits are not beneficial in you becoming the very best version of yourself. For me, I invested more time in my relationship with God. I am talking about me and my path, not yours or anyone else's. This is what I had to do to overcome the old worn out self. I began confessing my thoughts, my words and my actions that offended others or may have caused pain. I was not aware of some of the pain I was inflicting but again the still small voice will speak louder than the noise. I started monitoring my motives. I would question the why did you say this and why did you do that. Most of the time my motives were good and respectful but other times I had to make some corrections and adjustments. This requires one to be truthful and honest in a very intimate way. It is a day to day process and it is ever evolving. I would like to say that I have conquered all but I believe we must assess and re-assess ourselves constantly until we depart this world.
In this tedious process of self evaluation, I have discovered that God is faithful. Human beings may or may not be faithful but God is my constant. Up to this point in my life, he has not left me in my perils alone. And I take this opportunity to repeat what I put to the paper on February 3, 2006, "All things begin new each and everyday. Thank God they do!"
PEACE
Wanda
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